There is a wide range of science cop shows on TV these days, like CSI, CSI: New York, CSI: Miami, CSI: Ancient Egypt, and CSI in Space, just to name a few. Even regular cop shows like to put what I think of as "science croutons" in each week's hour of "cop salad", to make them look smart and high tech.

You might think you have to be smart to write a science cop show, maybe even be a scientist who understands science, but no. All you need is a real "can do" attitude and a great big smile.

Now, writing a cop show isn't just a casual effort. Before we start, you're going to have to set aside at least fifteen minutes of uninterrupted working time. Ready? Let's get started.

Extensive cop show studies have shown you have to have some kind of acronym that has an S in it somewhere. For "science" or "sex" or possibly both. You also want a setting with real character. We'll put our Science Team Detectives in San Francisco.

You've got other stuff to do, don't spend a lot of time on this. Just pick some names from a phone book or something, and just to make it easier for you to tell them apart, give them each some kind of random quirk based on people you see ahead of you in the supermarket line. So I've got the crack crime lab team of A. Abernathy, who drinks a lot of Mountain Dew, and his partner R.D. Adler, who always tries to pay for everything with small change.

You don't have to come up with anything new. Any old murder is fine. So let's say a girl shoots her boyfriend because he was cheating on her. There, a plot.

Okay, here's your plot so far:

[Cops find dead body] --> [Cops find motive] --> [Cops find gun] --> [Cops arrest killer]

That's no good. That's going to be about 5 minutes. And there's no science, except dusting for fingerprints on the gun maybe. We need to stuff this show chock full of science.

Let's start with the old favorite, DNA. You don't know what it is? I don't know what it is! But that's okay. Remember, our characters, A. Abernathy and R.D. Adler, are crack scientists. They can explain it to us if we just start writing.

Our science cops analyzing a big piece of DNA.

R.D.:	(takes a sip of Mountain Dew) What are you doing, R.D.?
R.D.:	(pockets jingling with change) I'm analyzing the DNA evidence we collected.
A.:	DNA?
R.D.:	Digital Neurotic Anteater. It's a substance containing a unique sequence, or code, found in every living thing.
A.:	I know what DNA is.
R.D.:	It's like a genetic fingerprint that can be used to identify any person on earth.
A.:	Yes, I know, I have a degree in molecular and cell biology from Stanford.
R.D.:	For example, if I take some of your DNA, and some of my DNA, we'll find that they're different.
A.:	Of course.
R.D.:	But if I were to take some of your DNA, and then some more of your DNA, it would in fact match.
A.:	R.D., you and I are both respected researchers who have spent many years in this field and we both learned about DNA ten years ago when we were freshmen in college. No, high school. I don't understand why you suddenly feel the need to explain to me how it works as if I were a mentally retarded child.
R.D.:	Look, what I'm getting at is, if the DNA found at the crime scene matches the DNA of the suspect, then they must be the same person.
A.:	I'm not following you.

Okay, good, we understand what DNA is now, sort of. Now to apply it to the case.

R.D.:	So I matched the DNA from our suspect's semen to the bullet that killed the victim, and it's not a match. (Holds up the samples.)
A.:	Hm, you're right. The suspect's DNA is square, but the bullet is round.

Uh oh! Looks like they didn't get their guy after all. We're about 10 minutes in. So far, so good. All right, looks like it's time to throw in some computers and internets to show how we are hip with the kids these days. This is something we know a lot about because we use E-Mail and we've heard about something called MySpace, the on-line molestation network.

So, hoping to find some digital evidence, Abernathy and Adler put on their "virtual reality" goggles and go into "cyberspace". It looks like TRON.

(Abernathy and Adler chat while racing through the internet on their laser bikes)

R.D.:	Well, what do we do now?
A.:	(drinks virtual Mountain Dew) We're going use "instant messaging" to "world wide web" an "avatar" the "iPod" "download" "megabyte".
R.D.:	I also know something about computers.
A.:	Look! It's the victim's "web site"! Let's hack in!
R.D.:	Dammit. You need a pass word.
A.:	What was the victim's name? Andy? Try "Andy".
(5 minutes later)
R.D.:	I've tried every possible spelling of the word "Andy". I don't know what else it could be.
A.:	We tried our best.
R.D.:	Oh wait, I just typed it wrong.

Success! Now they have access to the victim's diary, which they "download" to "memory", causing the book to pop out of the computer's CD drive as they exit the virtual world.

All right, so we've killed a good amount of time. Let's get our heroes back on the right track again and have the diary tell them that the guy was cheating on his girlfriend and that she might kill him.

R.D.:	I'm sorry I was out so long. The guy at the gas station wouldn't take payment in pennies. Did you get anywhere with the diary?
A.:	Just let me finish my Mountain Dew. There. Yes, I've found a very interesting entry. "Dear Diary. Exams were tough today, I hope I didn't fail. Also, I've been cheating on my girlfriend with this other girl, which will make my girlfriend very angry. She has a loaded gun and has threatened to kill me if I ever cheated on her."

You can finesse it later.

So it's time for our heroes to get this girlfriend. You might think that they'd just compare her DNA to the bullet again, but no! Don't do the same science bit twice, that's going to make the audience bored. Anyway, they can't get her DNA from her since she doesn't have any semen.

So let's say the girfriend was caught doing the deed on a security camera. That's too easy, though. Let's say that she was a hundred feet away.

A.:	Well, this footage is no good! You can't see anything!
R.D.:	Not yet, but if I just push a couple of buttons - presto!
A.:	Wow! (spits out his Mountain Dew) How did you do that?

Try to use throw in some big words that you've heard nerds use before.

R.D.:

I wouldn't expect someone who pays with paper currency to understand, but what I basically did was calculate the image velocity using an algorithm to reverse the polarity and extrapolate the megabytes.

Well, you're still just piggybacking off the last show that did that. We really need a Wow! factor here. Let's say that not only was she a hundred feet away, she was behind a wall, and the camera was facing the other way.

R.D.:	It's simple enough, all I have to do is remolecularize the data stream by patching it through the digitized exoskeleton polymerase Javascript superconductivity field.
A.:	Of course! Just like pouring water through a baby!

The analogy is so you can kind of throw the audience a bone and make them think they get it. It's laughable in this case, as what he did is nothing like pouring water through a baby. It's more like pulling a wet sweater over two cats.

Well, now they've caught her. They match her fingerprints to the gun and they have a picture of her shooting him. But we still have ten minutes left! Don't panic. Just stall a bit having them explain the clues to each other.

(A. and R.D. stand in the crime lab, at a table covered with evidence.)
A.:	All right, it's time to put all the pieces together. What have we got?
R.D.:	Well, we have a diary saying the victim's girlfriend wants to shoot him, a gun with her fingerprints on it, and a security camera photo showing her shooting him.
A.:	That's a lot of evidence. Let's step back and think about this logically. What does the gun tell us?
R.D.:	Well, he was killed by a bullet, which I'm willing to bet must have been shot out of a gun. Therefore, the killer must have been holding a gun. But I don't see where this gets us.
A.:	Let's just take it step by step. What do people hold guns with?
R.D.:	...hands?
A.:	Exactly. And more specifically - fingers. In order to hold a gun, your fingers would have to be wrapped around it.
R.D.:	And fingers have fingerprints!
A.:	And the gun has fingerprints! (both look at each other knowingly)
R.D.:	The person who left fingerprints on the gun must have been the person whose fingers were on the gun!
A.:	(consulting notes) It was the girlfriend's fingerprints.
R.D.:	Things aren't looking very good for her. What else have we got?
A.:	A photo of her shooting him. (Puts photo on the table.) Now photos capture things that happen.
R.D.:	This photo captured her shooting him. Therefore, her shooting him must have happened.
A.:	Good God! She must be the killer!
R.D.:	Unbelievable! And to think I thought it was that guy we took sperm from for no reason at all. We probably owe him an apology.
A.:	It was a mistake anyone could have made.

Seriously, you can do whatever the hell you want here, as long as it's shocking. Twin sister, not really dead, was dead the whole time, all a dream, really Keyser Soze. Whatever you want. Let's pull out an old chestnut for this one and say that the girlfriend was really his father. That'll get 'em good.

You're done! Now just sit on it for a week before you hand it off, so you can pretend you did a week's worth of painstaking research into the subjects you mentioned. You can spend it practicing Guitar Hero, or catch up on the Sopranos or something, or what I like to do is maybe learn to cook some dishes I never have time to do when I'm busy.