I don't normally like to court controversy and I usually keep my political views to myself, but there I feel it's time for me to find the courage to make a public stand about an important issue: cancer. I am against it.

I realize I am going to take a lot of heat for this courageous stance, but I'm not going to be bullied any more by the powerful pro-cancer lobby and I'm not going to be intimidated by angry tumors. For years, we have been much too soft on cancer, allowing it into our schools, our homes, and our friends and relatives.

Folks, despite what the cancer lobbyists would have you believe, cancer kills people. They'd like you to believe you're being intolerant when you tell a tumor to get the hell out of your grandma's lungs. Well, I say, if a mass of fast-growing cells can't live in someone's organs without taking the time to learn how to not kill them, maybe it just doesn't belong there. Harsh words? Maybe it's about time for some tough talk.

At 1000x magnification, the evil on a cancer cell can be clearly seen.

When are we going to come to the realization that cancer is not our friend? It's time to grab cancer firmly by the throat and balls and spin it around several times like a discus thrower to gather sufficient momentum before launching it into the vacuum of space.

"But this doesn't have anything to do with me," you might think. Well, are you a person who likes living? Do you enjoy not having your life consumed by painful and debilitating treatments? Are there people in your life who you enjoy seeing alive and also not undergoing said treatments? Well, cancer is against all of that. It also hates puppies and says your mom is fat.

1) Be firm about saying no to cancer. If a tumor says it just wants to stay in your prostate for "a couple of days" until it gets back on its feet, just firmly say no and slam the door in its face. It may seem harsh, but you need to stay strong.

2) Don't give people cancer. That's pretty low. If you can't think of anything better to get someone for their birthday, maybe you should just go with a card.

3) Boycott cancer and cancer-related products. Cancer cells produce mutated surface antigens such as ovarian cancer cell surface antigen (OCCSA) and MC25 (in certain neuroblastomas). Next time you are at the supermarket, skip over these and buy a T-cell receptor or something instead.

4) Don't shoot people. It's not a well-known fact, but shooting people can have many of the same effects on people as cancer, such as massive organ damage and death. It's no good putting a stop to cancer if you're just going to shoot people.

5) Vote against cancer. Write your local political representative and ask them to support legislation outlawing cancer. If they respond with some baloney about how it's "unrealistic", they're clearly in the pocket of the cancer lobby, and you make sure to vote them out next election.

Here are some form letters below you can send to your Congressional representative. Just fill in the representative's name and sign yours at the bottom. You probably don't even have to fill in his name if you don't remember it. I put in some generic ones that should work.

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The Honorable Hey You
House Office Building
United States House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Hey You,

I am writing to say that I think cancer is bad and should be banned. If you support legislation to outlaw cancer, you will have my vote in the next election. If not, I will cut you. I'm not kidding, I will cut you.

Signed,


My Name

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The Honorable Mr. Politican
House Office Building
United States House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Mr. Politician,

Hey, how about that Iraq war? I don't know what to make of it either, but here's what I do know: cancer is bad. Can you make a law against it? And maybe one against shooting people too.

Signed,


My Name

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I hope you'll do your part in banning cancer. I understand if you have different opinions, but no matter what we may disagree on, the important thing to remember is that Hitler liked cancer, and that people who aren't against cancer are fat.